Who the fffff am I now? Reconnecting with yourself.

Imagine this:

It’s a rare and precious moment in our busy schedules – free time.

Do whatever I want. What even IS that? I don’t know who I am anymore, let alone what I want to do for FUN.”

So many of us feel like we lose ourselves in the busy-ness our the lives that we live. We work hard to fil our lives with things - people - relationships - jobs - etc. And yet sometimes, it is in the doing of this that we lose connection with ourselves.

Or we lose connection with how we are changing, and who we are now.

For many of us, we have been taught to view change as a bad thing. Something that makes us flakey, unreliable, following trends. These stories and judgements don’t serve us.

We are meant to change. Life is meant to change us. Surely we can’t journey through all of this and stay the same?

And yes, it can feel like you are a little lost at times - that’s a really normal and natural part of it. Think of the caterpillar turning to goo before it can become a butterfly, right? Turning to goo can feel like you’ve lost parts of yourself along the way, and that can take all the space it needs; sadness, anger, grief, relief…

But here’s the flip side: the woman you are now? She’s bloody brilliant. You’ve just got to get to know her.

So let’s shift the question from “how do I get my old self back?” and make it “How do I get to know my current self better?”

Firstly, the shoulds are shit.

Here’s the thing that makes this even harder: the land of shoulds.

“I should....”

“I should be home more.”

“I should be out more.”

“I should be exercising and finding new hobbies and doing skincare and planning a date night.”

From our own expectations, ideas from our friends, comparison on social media, well intentioned family, colleagues, people at the supermarket… the shoulds creep in for all of us and can feel really loud.

But shoulds really are shit. They strangle your ability to actually reconnect with yourself because they use up the little precious energy you have on guilt, comparison and feeling like you’re failing.

You can’t “should” your way into self-love. Often, the shoulds that we hear (outloud or in our own minds) aren’t true reflections of our values. They are unhelpful noise that distracts us and makes us feel pretty crappy.

First step – let’s turn down the volume on the shoulds. Make a list of “shit shoulds” on paper or in your phone so that your mind can stop holding on to them and you can see them for what they truly are. Then you can shift your focus to getting to know yourself better.

Secondly, let’s make a human compost.

Okay, hear me out – it’s not as creepy as it sounds!

Life does ask that we change, but not that we throw everything about ourselves in the bin.

We get to keep some of the best bits, and mix them with something new.

So it might be time for you to do a ‘best bits’ audit; what about yourself do you love and are proud of? Grab those and mix them in.

Some examples might be:

• Music, art or culture that you’ve always loved.

• Places and spaces that you enjoy spending time in

• Core values, what feels right or what your intuition tells you (don’t panic if this feels hard).

Figuring out who you are now (gently)

So how do you get to know yourself, when you’re not sure where to start?

• Start small. You don’t need a 10-step morning routine (ffff that, unless you love it). You need one moment of connection with yourself – try thinking of one word each morning to describe how you feel in that moment, and take a slow breath as you do.

Tip – do it while the kettle boils/coffee pours/shower warms up.

• Experiment without commitment. Try something new without needing it to be your thing forever. Try one new movement class. Read a chapter of a new book. Try one social session.

• Use your senses. What smells, sounds, textures, tastes, or sights actually light you up right now? How can you lean in to eating something delicious, wearing something comfy, listening to YOUR music in between the kid songs/podcasts/meetings.

• Notice your energy. What (or who) drains you? What (or who) fills your cup, even just a little? Can you have less of the drain and more of the refill?

These small practices can stack up and help you paint a picture of who you are now; what you like and what feels good for you. Each time you practice one of these, you get more info about the version of you that you are now.

Hold each new piece lightly, knowing that you are allowed to change as you go – and in fact you will always be changing throughout life – and that can be part of the fun.

But what if I still don’t know?

That is totally okay. You don’t need to have the answers. Maybe a little support would help?

This could look like coming along to a women’s circle to dedicate some time to yourself, or booking in some counselling support to really deep dive individually. Links to booking in for those are here.

An invitation for you

One of my new programs, Aligned & Alive — a reflective space for women to get clarity, confidence, and joy – is getting a reboot. I’ve run it in person before, and this October it’s coming online for the first time. If you’re interested, join my waitlist here and be the first to hear when it launches.