Who the fffff am I now? Motherhood edition.

Imagine this:

It’s a rare and precious moment in motherhood – organised time alone.

“I’ll take the baby/kid/kids. You can have some time to do whatever you want, have fun!” The door closes. Silence.

But those words hang heavy in the room with you. “Do whatever I want. What even IS that? I don’t know who I am anymore, let alone what I want to do for FUN.”

So many of us feel like we lose ourselves in motherhood. The one who used to have planned hobbies? Gone. The spontaneous fun one? Gone. The one who could sleep in on Sundays? Definitely gone.

However you once described yourself, I bet it’s changed since you became a mama. And here’s the secret:

It’s meant to.

The harsh truth: the older version of you isn’t coming back.

Motherhood isn’t just a lifestyle adjustment, it’s lifechanging. And I’m sorry to rip the Band-Aid off, but the woman you once were? She’s not coming back. Because she doesn’t exist anymore – she’s changed (in so many great ways!).

And yes, it can feel like you are lost. Because you have lost pieces of yourself and many ways of being you that won’t feel the same now. And that can take all the space it needs; sadness, anger, grief.

But here’s the flip side: the woman you are now? She’s bloody brilliant. You’ve just got to get to know her.

So let’s shift the question from “how do I get my old self back?” and make it “How do I get to know my new self better?”

Firstly, the shoulds are shit.

Here’s the thing that makes this even harder: the land of shoulds.

“I should take more time away from the baby.”

“I should be home more.”

“I should be out more.”

“I should be exercising and finding new hobbies and doing skincare and planning a date night.”

From our own expectations, ideas from our friends, comparison on social media, well intentioned family, colleagues, people at the supermarket… the shoulds creep in for all of us and can feel really loud.

But shoulds really are shit. They strangle your ability to actually reconnect with yourself because they use up the little precious energy you have on guilt, comparison and feeling like you’re failing.

You can’t “should” your way into self-love. Often, the shoulds that we hear (outloud or in our own minds) aren’t true reflections of our values. They are unhelpful noise that distracts us and makes us feel pretty crappy.

First step – let’s turn down the volume on the shoulds. Make a list of “shit shoulds” on paper or in your phone so that your mind can stop holding on to them and you can see them for what they truly are. Then you can shift your focus to getting to know yourself better.

Secondly, let’s make a human compost.

Okay, hear me out – it’s not as creepy as it sounds!

Motherhood does ask that we change, but not that we throw everything about ourselves in the bin.

We get to keep some of the best bits, and mix them with something new.

So it might be time for you to do a ‘best bits’ audit; what about yourself do you love and are proud of? Grab those and mix them in.

Some examples might be:

• Music, art or culture that you’ve always loved.

• Places and spaces that you enjoy spending time in

• Core values, what feels right or what your intuition tells you (don’t panic if this feels hard).

Figuring out who you are now (gently)

So how do you get to know yourself, when you’re not sure where to start?

• Start small. You don’t need a 10-step morning routine (ffff that for busy Mums!). You need one moment of connection with yourself – try thinking of one word each morning to describe how you feel in that moment, and take a slow breath as you do.

Tip – do it while the kettle boils/coffee pours/shower warms up.

• Experiment without commitment. Try something new without needing it to be your thing forever. Try one new movement class. Read a chapter of a new book. Try one social session.

• Use your senses. What smells, sounds, textures, tastes, or sights actually light you up right now? How can you lean in to eating something delicious, wearing something comfy, listening to YOUR music in between the kid songs.

• Notice your energy. What (or who) drains you? What (or who) fills your cup, even just a little? Can you have less of the drain and more of the refill?

These small practices can stack up and help you paint a picture of who you are now; what you like and what feels good for you. Each time you practice one of these, you get more info about the version of you that you are now.

Hold each new piece lightly, knowing that you are allowed to change as you go – and in fact you will always be changing throughout life – and that can be part of the fun.

But what if I still don’t know?

So if you find yourself staring at the wall during your first kid-free time, please know this: you’re not broken or boring, you’re discovering.

You’re discovering who you are now, in this moment of your life.

You’re discovering what matters most to you and what core values guide you now.

You’re discovering what serves you and what lights you up.

You’re discovering who you are and what you like.

However you came into motherhood; birth, adoption, step-parenting, foster, kinship or any other journey - this discovery belongs to you too.

An invitation for you

One of my new programs, Aligned & Alive — a reflective space for women to get clarity, confidence, and joy – is getting a reboot. I’ve run it in person before, and this October it’s coming online for the first time. If you’re interested, join my waitlist here and be the first to hear when it launches.